Search
  • Jerry Seltzer

Truly Silly Magic Items for D&D



“Entering the shop, you squeeze your way down an over-crowded aisle. Dozens upon dozens of items line shelves, some of them hanging precariously over the edge, threatening to clatter to the floor should you ever so slightly bump into it on your trek toward the counter at the back.”

I describe Gretta Cogwhistle’s shop as my players look on, soaking it in.

“The gnome behind the counter looks up to greet you, a wide smile on her face. The goggles over her eyes make them look even more oversized than they already are.”

As I continue the description and the excited willingness of Cogwhistle to do business with the party, I can tell they are hooked. It’s a mundane resupply run, but with a druid and a sorcerer/warlock in the party, a stop at the local magic shop is always in order. However, not every magic shop or artificer’s forge is home to a top-tier, fully competent practitioner.

Symmetry, the party’s Tiefling Sorcerer/Warlock, took a liking to one of Cogwhistle’s items. It was called the “Noisy Coin.” She described its use as a way to gain advantage over your enemies by knowing what’s in the room before you get there. Simply toss the coin into the room and it will relay back to you everything that there is to see in that room.


The party discovered why it was called the “Noisy Coin” the first time Sym used it. He tossed the coin into a room in a prison they were infiltrating. Immediately, I began to shout out the most colorful, rude, and off-the-wall descriptions of the people and objects in that room…in a very bad Brooklyn accent. While the Noisy Coin isn’t subtle, and the guards in that room were immediately alerted to the Party’s presence, we all had a good laugh and, of course, Symmetry retrieved the coin after the ensuing battle and vowed to use it as often as possible.

So, over at DMR, the discussion came up about the funniest homebrew items our members have come up with. The question was asked, and as always, the DMR community delivered.

The answers ranged from the silly– to the absurd– to the risqué. But at the heart of them, all was a common thread. FUN!!


Stone of Gravity Detection (by Todd C): Once per dawn you may say the command word and drop the stone from your hand. The stone will tell you if there is gravity.


Zombie Hand of Direction (by Joshua L.): Just toss in the air, let it land on the ground, and it’ll point you in the right direction!

There were some that were funny, but definitely useful…if not a bit inconvenient for the player using it.


Brick of Exhaustion (by Patrick W): Deals 1d6+Str bludgeoning damage. Upon impact casts exhaustion per the spell of the same name. DC17 Fort Save.


The sword of Oofbert (by Johnathan S.) It's a well-made, decent Magic weapon. (+1 to +5 long sword depending on when it's found) but it's Cursed so the user audibly says "oof" every time it's swung.

Or, like Arjunon M’s take on the subject, they just added some flavor to an already existing item…quite literally. They wrote: “I like to have PCs find extremely vile tasting potions of healing...so foul that if you drink one during combat you become dazed briefly and must save not to vomit. Potions often cause gastrointestinal distress.”

Of course, it’s not D&D without a little bit (sometimes a lot) of a racy side, and the DMR members, again, did not disappoint.


Minotaur’s Majesty (by Ryan W.): “A giant phallic necklace of the sex organ from a Minotaur. (Attunement by a bard). While His Majesty is visible enemies have disadvantage on their first attack roll against you from being distracted by the giant…” Well, you get the idea. For the full, quite colorful, description of this item, check out the thread on the DMR Facebook page.

And finally, for the Bard in your party that just can’t get enough…


Ring of the midnight rendezvous (by Lester C.): This ring when activated will randomly teleport you to a "ready" partner somewhere in the realm. It also changes your appearance to whatever the waiting partner desires most. When the "visit" is over the wearer teleports back home. It also has a bonus on saves vs. disease.

So there you have it. Magic items can be powerful and deal a ton of damage…or they can be inserted into your games just for the laughs! They add fun, flavor, and great opportunities for roleplaying into any style of game.

If you need me, I’ll be working on a fun twist for a pair of Boots of Teleportation in my campaign.

Luke Newman is a best-selling fantasy author, father, veteran, and a Level 2 DM (his players leveled him up in their most recent campaign. It’s ok to be jealous.) When he’s not writing his novels, preparing for a game of D&D, or playing D&D, he’s probably sleeping. (I mean, there are only so many hours in a day.) You can check out Luke’s books, The LEGENDARY Series, on Amazon. Grab his books and follow him here:

https://www.amazon.com/~/e/B07DBCMFGL

60 views0 comments

Recent Posts

See All